Mockingbird
by jaded river hussie
Summary: Hush, little baby, don't say a word…. It affects them and their families so much more than they would have expected; they bend and they break. Mindy pushes, Josh pulls and ashes to ashes, they all fall down. Warnings inside.
1. Prologue

**Title:** Mockingbird

**Rating:** T (content, subject matter)

**Pairing:** Josh/Mindy

**Disclaimer:** Unless otherwise noted, I do not own any characters mentioned or song lyrics used.

**Warnings:** teenage pregnancy, miscarriage, depression

**A/N:** So, it's been a while since I went with straight angst and hurt/comfort in a fic. This is a little experimental (and by "a little," I mean "a lot.") Reviews will be GREATLY appreciated.

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><p>"<em>Just let me hold you while you're falling apart<em>

_Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down"_

Ever the Same - Rob Thomas

**Prologue**

Over the course of Friday evening, Mindy takes six pregnancy tests. She catches a city bus after school and buys three test kits, three different brands, each from a different drug store. Four lines, two plus signs, and the word "pregnant" digitally displayed twice. It's been five weeks, or thirty-eight days to be precise, since she and Josh had sex.

She has six positive pregnancy tests and four college early acceptance congratulatory packets.

She stays up late searching the internet and reading about teen pregnancies, childbirth, abortion, and adoption. She deletes the cookies and browsing history on her laptop before she goes to bed.

She wakes up the next morning and decides that she will tell Josh that afternoon when he gets off from work. They already have plans to hang out at his house and this can wait until then. She can practice how she is going to tell him that she made a mistake, that she was wrong, that being on the pill was not enough. He will understand, because he is Josh and that's what he does, and he'll blame himself for not stopping and insisting that they wait until they were more prepared. He will comfort her and hold her, he will tell her that he's there for her no matter what she wants to do, what she decides, because he will let her ultimately make the decision. She doesn't want to. She doesn't want to have to choose; she wants Josh to express his feelings and what he wants her to do. She wants them to make this decision together—after all, they did create this situation together.

She prepares a speech on note cards, and, just in case she can't force the words out of her mouth, she also has a note card that simply reads "I'm pregnant" in large letters tucked inside her purse.

She arrives at the Parker-Nichols house at exactly four forty-five, when Josh should be at home. She's not supposed to be there until six but she doesn't think that he'll mind her coming over early once she makes her announcement.

Audrey informs her that Josh is not home yet, he had to run a few errands, but she is welcome to wait. Drake waits until his mother has left the room before he voices his displeasure at her presence. Mindy just rolls her eyes and sighs because she does not have it in her to bicker with him right now.

She asks if he minds if she waits upstairs; he nastily tells her that he does mind. She feels a warm, wet sensation on her thighs, spreading down her legs, in the seconds before he starts to say something insulting when he stops, following her eyes downward and looking horrified. She reaches down, touching her leg, eyes widening when she pulls her hand away and sees blood on her fingers. There is blood running down her legs. So much blood.

She hears Drake yelling for his mom and she starts to tremble as she wonders where Josh is.

Audrey hurries into the living room, annoyed, telling Drake that there is no need for him to yell but she stops short when she notices the panicked look on his face and then she looks at Mindy, still standing in the foyer, staring at her bloody hand. Audrey tells Drake as calmly as she can to call 911 and she says Mindy's name. Mindy blinks several times then looks up at Audrey. The girl says that she was pregnant; she and Audrey both know that she no longer is.

Drake has no idea what the hell is going on because Mindy's bleeding and he's on the phone with 911 and trying to tell them that he doesn't know why she's bleeding but he thinks he heard her say something about being pregnant and all he can tell them when they ask how far along she is, is that he doesn't know, and no, she is not showing. The person on the other end of the phone tells him that help is on the way and instructs him to reassure "the patient" and to have her rest in the most comfortable position until the ambulance arrives.

Audrey asks him to bring her a damp towel so that she can help Mindy get cleaned up. In the matter of a few seconds, she found out in one sentence that she was going to have a grandchild and then she was not. Josh is going to be heartbroken.

The ambulance arrives six minutes after Drake called. There's some confusion because Audrey wants to go to the hospital but there is a little bit of cleaning up that needs to be done and it can't be left and she knows that Drake cannot do it. She doesn't want Mindy to be alone at the hospital so she orders Drake to follow the ambulance and to call Josh and have him meet them at the hospital; she will call Mindy's parents.

Josh gets home twenty minutes after the ambulance leaves, nineteen minutes after his mother has gotten off the phone with Mrs. Crenshaw, three minutes after she has finished cleaning the blood up off the floor and tossed the towel and rags into the trash. Josh is greeted by the overwhelming aroma of bleach.


	2. Part 1

**A/N:** see 1st entry/prologue for all pertinent info and warnings. As always, thanks for the reviews and thanks for reading!

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><p><strong>Part 1<strong>

Audrey doesn't tell Josh what's wrong because it is not her place and she does not know how to tell him so she tells him, "Mindy is in the hospital."

He asks her what's wrong and she doesn't say because she can't; she does tell him that Mindy will be okay. And the girl _will_ be okay one day, Audrey is sure of it. She will get over the shock and the loss and she will move past it even if she carries the memory of it with her every day for the rest of her life.

"Drake!" Josh is frantic when he finally finds his brother in the ER waiting room. He knows that something is wrong because Drake doesn't even like Mindy and he looks stricken. Drake just shakes his head and sort of shrugs when Josh asks him if he knows what's going on. Drake knows what he heard or what he thinks he heard Mindy say but he doesn't know for sure.

"Her parents are with her."

"Was there an accident?"

"No."

"Well, is she sick?"

"I don't know!"

Josh paces for close to two hours, freaking out more with each minute that passes and he doesn't know what's going on, before he sees the familiar countenances of Mindy's parents as they walk into the waiting area. He rushes over to them. "Mr. and Mrs. Crenshaw! How's Mindy? Can I see her?"

Mindy's mother looks like she's been crying and Mindy's father's eyes are colder and harder than Josh can ever remember seeing. Mindy's mother merely directs Josh to the bay where Mindy is resting. Josh is relieved when he sees her at first because she doesn't look injured and she doesn't look sick. On closer inspection though, she does not look like herself. She looks sad and distant.

He takes a couple slow strides to her bedside. "Mindy, what's wrong? Nobody will tell me anything."

"I think that we should break up."

He's perplexed. "I don't understand—"

Her eyes meet his. "I had a miscarriage."

Josh shakes his head. "A miscarriage? How could you have a miscarriage? That would mean that…" That she was pregnant. His voice cracks, "You were pregnant?"

She looks down at her hands. "I was."

"But you were on the pill."

"It's not one hundred percent."

Josh opens and closes his mouth a few times. He reaches for Mindy's hand and she jerks her hand away, balling both of her hands into fists. He frowns. "Are you okay?"

She cuts her eyes at him. "That is a stupid question."

"I'm sorry. H-h-how long did you know?"

"I started to suspect that I might be pregnant earlier this week. I took a test last night."

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Today. It's why I was at your house."

He furrows his brow. "You were at my house?" Then it hits him: the smell of bleach when he got home, Drake's behavior, his mother's behavior. He feels like he's going to be sick.

"You weren't there." Her eyes are filled with tears.

"I'm sorry."

Mindy offers him no consolation and she's not responding to him. He can almost see her fraying at the edges and he can clearly feel himself coming undone, which doesn't make any sense. He didn't even know that she was pregnant until she wasn't; how is it that he feels this hollowness forming in the pit of his stomach, expanding?

"So what are we going to do now?"

She shakes her head, not quite looking at him. "Nothing."

"I'm not going to break-up with you. I get if your parents are mad, but they can't just—"

"_I_ want us to break-up, Josh, although my parents also believe that it will be for the best if you and I spend some time apart in light of recent events."

"'Recent events?'" The words are disgusting, cold, and informal. She is distancing herself, she is disassociating and Josh doesn't like it, not one bit. "Mindy, we can't just pretend like nothing happened; we have to deal with it—"

"There is nothing to deal with! There was and now there isn't so that means that there is nothing to deal with!" She's willing herself to not cry because she hates crying in front of people. She hates pity. She doesn't want Josh's pity. She wants him to go away so that she can forget. "I would greatly appreciate it if you left."

There is so much hurt in his blue eyes. "Okay. I'll check on you tomorrow."

"They're not keeping me; there's nothing they can do." There's nothing _you_ can do.

"I love you, Mindy; I mean it."

She doesn't answer him, trying to will him to leave. Josh stays, because he cares and because he is patient, until the doctor returns; he lingers outside of the curtain as the doctor tells Mindy that physically, she will be just fine.


	3. Part 2

**A/N:** see prologue for all pertinent info & warnings; reviews are love! Thanks for reading!

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><p><strong>Part 2<strong>

Audrey tells Walter but neither of them mentions it to Megan. It's not something that she needs to know. Audrey only tells her husband because she has to tell somebody, because he is Josh's father and he should know what his son is dealing with. And because she needs someone who can even begin to understand what she is dealing with as well.

The first thing that Josh says to Drake when he walks back into the waiting room is, "She broke up with me."

Part of Drake wants to tell him that he's lucky to be rid of Mindy but he can't because it's inappropriate and he feels like Josh and Mindy are so incredibly lucky and unlucky right now. So, instead, he says, "That sucks."

They walk out to Drake's car in silence. The engine turns over and Josh asks, "Why haven't you asked me what happened? Did you know?"

"I—" Drake frowns, his grip on the steering wheel tightens. "She was just standing there and then she was bleeding and it sounded like she said she was pregnant. I was freaking out; it's not like I really knew what was going on. I tried to call you but you didn't answer your phone."

"My battery died."

Drake swallows. "I said some really not nice things to her just before it happened."

"It's not your fault."

"I know that. I still feel bad. If I'd known, I would've cut her some slack." He starts to loosen his grip. "Did she lose it?"

"It?" Josh isn't sure what Drake is referring to: the baby, her mind, control of her emotions.

"The baby."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, Josh."

Josh stares out the window. As Drake pulls in front of their house, Josh admits, "I didn't know that she was pregnant. She barely knew."

They enter the house and Audrey and Walter are seated on the sofa, waiting for them. Megan breezes into the living, glancing at the somber faces of her family, and quips, "Geez, who died?"

The smell of bleach reaches Josh's nose again and he runs down the hall to the bathroom and retches loudly.

Megan turns to face her mother and Walter, worried. "Mom?"

"It's nothing you should be concerned about. Just, go up to your room."

"No, I want to know what's going on. You all clearly know—"

"That's enough, Megan."

"Fine," the girl huffs, narrowing her eyes before stomping up the stairs.

Walter sighs heavily. "I'm going to check on Josh." He walks down the hall and knocks on the bathroom door. He waits a moment before twisting the doorknob and pushing the door open. "Josh?"

He's leaning against the counter. "Yeah, Dad?"

"How are you doing, son?"

"Well, Dad, I found out that my girlfriend had been pregnant when she told me that she had a miscarriage. Oh, and she broke up with me, so I'm not doing too good right now."

Walter is not prepared for this. "Do you want to talk about it? I know I kind of failed at telling you about the birds and the bees and I'm sorry about that."

Josh snorts. "I thought I had a pretty good handle on it. Mindy and I, we were careful, you know, but I guess we weren't careful enough. And now...it doesn't matter. There was this life that I didn't know about and now there isn't and there's nothing that anyone could have done. And I want to help Mindy but I don't know what to do and she doesn't want to see me and she shouldn't have to deal with this by herself."

"She's not by herself, Josh, she has her parents. And you have us."

"I just feel like this is something that Mindy and I need to work through together. We can't do that if we're apart."

Walter nods. "I understand."

"Do you, Dad? I mean, do you really?"

Walter struggles for what to say next. "Well, no, I guess I don't. I don't understand."

"So you can't tell me why I'm so upset?"

"No, Josh, I'm afraid that I can't. Except, that you're human and you have always been very sensitive. You feel things deeply. Whether you knew about the baby before Mindy's miscarriage might not matter; it was still a part of you. It was still your child and you are suffering a loss. You have every right to be devastated, Josh; you have every right to mourn."

"I don't want to be here right now." Walter gives him a concerned, questioning look. "I want to be with Mindy right now, I feel like that's where I should be."

"Okay. I'm not going to stop you."

"What about her parents?"

"Oh. Well. Your mother and I can try to appeal to them. They are parents after all; I'm sure that they want what is best for Mindy. I think that they'll be able to see that the two of you can help each other heal."

Josh pushes himself forward and hugs Walter. "Thanks, Dad."

Walter stands back and pats Josh on the shoulder. "Your mother and I will call the Crenshaws tomorrow. You should try to get some rest, maybe try to take your mind off of things, huh?"

Josh nods but there's no way he can rest. There's no taking his mind off of what's happened so soon.


	4. Part 3

**A/N:** _all pertinent info & warnings can be found in the prologue. Thanks for reading; reviews are love! :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 3<strong>

Mindy has always known that blood stains. Even if it didn't, she'd never wear this skirt again. Her mother goes by the house before Mindy is released and brings her a change of clothes; she brings a pair of jeans.

"I dumped the trash in your room," he mother says quietly as Mindy slips out of the hospital gown, sliding her arms into her shirt. The small wastebasket had contained the positive pregnancy tests, the results of which have now been rendered null and void. She's thankful that there will be one less reminder.

The rational part of her brain knows that there was nothing that could have been done to avoid this. There was nothing she could do. She had no control over what happened.

Mindy hates not being in control. She hates not having a say, not having a part, not having even the slightest slipperiest semblance of control. Hours ago, she and Josh had a choice to make but now... Just as quickly as she found out that there was something to be decided upon, the decision, all of her options, had been ripped away from her.

No words are spoken as her parents take her home, soft classical music coming from the speakers of her father's car. She sits in the car for several moments after they've pulled into the driveway. She had been pregnant when she left the house. Hadn't she? Or had it already started and she just hadn't known? What if it had already been over?

"Your mother and I think it best if you have as little contact with—" it's like her father can't bring himself to say Josh's name. He clears his throat and continues, "with the Nichols boy as possible for the time being."

"Yes, sir."

His eyes and his voice are full of disappointment. "In a few days, we are going to have a very long talk, young lady."

"Yes, sir." She sounds robotic.

"Mindy?"

"Yes, Daddy?"

He wants to tell her that he's sorry that she's hurting and that no one should ever have to go through with what she is right now but he can't—she's his little girl, she's not old enough to be a mother. And now she will not be, not while she is still a child herself. It shouldn't have happened like this; it shouldn't have happened at all. Daddy's little girl is almost grown up. Almost doesn't count. He swallows. "I love you, Princess."

"I love you too, Daddy."

"Mindy, sweetheart, do you need anything?" Mindy's mother almost said "baby" but she caught herself.

She shakes her head. "No, ma'am."

"We've left a message for your therapist. We thought that you may need, or want, to speak with her about what happened so we're going to try to schedule you an appointment for Monday after school. Unless you'd like to see her earlier in the day?"

"After school is fine."

Her mother nods. "Okay." She walks over to her daughter and pulls her into a hug. She's putting on a brave front because if she starts to cry, she's afraid that her daughter will start to lose her grip on the threads holding her together right now. She knows that Mindy will deal with this in her own time, in her own way. Mindy will not relapse. She will be okay because she is perfect even though she has made mistakes because she is only human. Her mother forces a smile. "It'll be fine; everything will be fine."

Mindy doesn't believe her but she pretends that she does and excuses herself to her room. She changes into her pajamas and brushes her hair. She goes over to her window, opens it, and gazes out at the night sky; it's overcast. Twenty-four hours ago, she was compiling facts that would assist her and Josh; twenty-four hours ago, she had barely begun to process the knowledge that she was pregnant. Twenty-four hours later, she has barely begun to process the fact that she is no longer pregnant.

She climbs into her bed and grabs her teddy bear, hugging it tight, and curls into a ball. Should she be crying right now? She didn't even know if she wanted it and now it's gone. She doesn't have to rearrange her life or put all of her plans on hold—shouldn't she be relieved? She should, shouldn't she? She shouldn't be sobbing as quietly as she can because she doesn't want her parents to know that she's upset when she should be relieved. Her hot tears seep into the faux fur of her teddy bear.

The tears are still falling from her eyes, her crying silent, when she hears a clatter outside of her window. She knows that it is Josh. Subconsciously, she was expecting him; it's why she left her window open. Part of her hoped that he would not be able to stay away.

Mindy hears him scrambling over the windowsill and his feet hitting the floor. She looks over her shoulder at him, her eyes filled with tears that she wishes would stop, and he looks so lost and so sad. She scoots over, closer to the wall, making room for him.

He lies down next to her, slides his arms around her, and just holds her; she tenses in his arms for several seconds before relaxing. She does not want him to comfort her now and yet she craves it desperately. She wants him to tell her again that he loves her and that they will always be together.

Josh whispers, "We'll be okay. We're going to get through this."

She thinks that she wants to hate him and his optimism.


	5. Part 4

**A/N:** _see prologue for all pertinent info & warnings. Thanks for reading! Reviews = love!_

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><p><strong>Part 4<strong>

Megan bursts into Drake and Josh's room and looks around. Drake is sitting on the sofa. She places her hands on her hips and walks around the sofa to face her older brother. "Hey. Where's the other boob?"

"He went to go see Mindy."

"What's wrong with him?"

"There's nothing wrong with him."

"Yeah, because one normally starts puking when nothing is wrong." She continues grilling him. "Is he sick?"

"No, Josh is not sick."

Megan growls and throws her arms up in frustration. She's about five seconds from lunging at her brother and pummeling him until he caves and spills. "Then what's going on? And don't tell me nothing. Mom sent me to my room and you guys were way too serious when I asked if somebody died; so, what gives?"

Drake chews on his bottom lip before finally telling her, "Josh and Mindy were going to have a baby."

Her eyes go wide. "What? Ew. Mindy's knocked up?"

"Not anymore."

Megan sits down next to Drake. This is a lot heavier than she was expecting. "Did she get rid of it?"

Drake shakes his head. "No." Megan looks at him expectantly. "She lost it."

"Oh." Megan frowns. "How come I was the only one who didn't know?"

Drake shrugs. "I don't know. I only know because Mom and I were here when it happened."

Megan looks aghast. "It happened here?"

"Yeah. She was standing by the door and she just...it happened." Drake cocks his head to the side as he looks at his little sister. "Wait, why aren't you asking more questions like, how did Mindy get pregnant? And why would you ask if she 'got rid it?' What do you know about babies and stuff?"

Megan shakes her head and rolls her eyes. "Unlike you, I pay attention in my classes. They do tell us a little about sex and pregnancy and stuff. Plus, I watch TV and I've heard other girls talking."

"You're eleven."

"I'm thirteen. And what's your point? I'm not having sex, none of my friends are having sex. Even if I was, I'd be smarter about it than Josh and Mindy apparently were."

"You don't know that they weren't being smart. Sometimes, things happen."

Megan scrunches up her face. "I really hope you're not speaking from experience and I don't want to know." There's silence. "How's Josh taking it?"

Drake shrugs again. "He hasn't really said anything to me about it. I mean, he seems a little sad and I think he's still in shock. Mindy dumped him at the hospital."

"Why?"

"Josh didn't say."

"How's Mindy doing?"

"I guess she's okay. Considering."

"How are you?"

Drake raises his eyebrows. "Why do you care?"

"You might be my idiot brother but you're still my brother. You seem—off. So, how are you?"

Drake sort of bobs his head. "Better than both Josh and Mindy. Probably better than Mom. She had to clean up afterwards."

Megan pales. "Clean up?"

"It was..." Drake shakes his head. "It's going to be a while before I watch another horror movie."

"I guess I should be nice to both you and Josh for a while, huh?"

"Yeah, I think Josh could use a break from your evil. Me too, for a couple days."

"Okay." Megan stands. "Well, good night." She hesitates and leans over, giving Drake a hug, before leaving the room.

Drake leans back, and sighs. He closes his eyes and he can see Mindy standing in the foyer, bleeding. He blinks. He's always hated seeing a therapist before but now he can't wait until his weekly appointment. He'd even be okay with the twice a week appointments again, at least until he can get the image out of his head.

Downstairs, Walter pours himself and Audrey a second glass of wine.

"Am I a bad mother because I always thought that if one of the boys got a girl pregnant that it would be Drake?" Audrey asks forlornly.

"Well, to be fair, he's always been more popular with the girls and his relationships have always seemed to progress quickly."

"And he's never been the most responsible either or the biggest planner." Audrey looks at Walter. "Is this our fault? Were we too focused on worrying about the wrong son?"

"Audrey, no, we had no way of knowing. Josh and Mindy are good kids, they're smart kids."

"They're not kids, Walter, not anymore. They are almost grown and they are having sex and they might not even be using protection. We could have been grandparents!"

"They tried to be safe; Josh said that."

"Yes, well, the safest sex is no sex at all." Audrey sighs, bracing her hands on the kitchen island. "Are we bad parents for not talking to them about sex? Could we have prevented any of this from happening?"

"Audrey, you can't blame yourself. We had no way of knowing—"

"Because we didn't want to know, Walter! Josh and Mindy have been involved with one another, on and off, for a couple of years. Deep down inside, we had to know that it was possible that they were sexually active or that there was some level of intimacy in their relationship. We should have asked. We should have paid more attention."

Walter swallows and nods his head. "Well, now we know better."

She scoffs, "How much does that matter now?"

Walter opens and closes his mouth like a fish. "Megan's still growing up. And Drake and Josh are still our boys; they're not adults yet."

Audrey snorts. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we will do better."


	6. Part 5

**A/N:** _As always, pertinent info and warnings are in the prologue. Thanks for reading; reviews welcomed and appreciated! :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 5<strong>

When Mindy wakes on Sunday morning, she's still clutching her teddy bear in one arm. During the night, she and Josh have shifted and her head is on his chest, her other arm lying over his abdomen; he's still holding her loosely.

She doesn't remember immediately. Her first thought is that she loves Josh and he's the best boyfriend that she could have asked for. She thinks that one day, years from now, if she has a daughter that when she falls in love for the first time that she will tell her daughter about her first love, her high school sweetheart. Then Mindy remembers: years from now were a little closer yesterday than they are today.

She and Josh might have had a daughter, or a son. Now they have nothing; now they are nothing.

She lays there and thinks about what might have been, what will never be.

If she had decided to have an abortion, Josh would have supported her even though he might not have agreed with her choice. Within a few months, it would have torn them apart; there are songs about how relationships fall apart, how the love fades away after a couple's decision to not have a child.

If she had decided to have the baby and give it up for adoption, Josh would have been supportive and so would their parents. They could have chosen a family that they liked who, if Mindy and Josh had wanted, would have allowed them to have contact with their child. It would have been nice to receive updates, to be able to watch him or her grow up, and to be a distant part of the child's life and let it know that you hadn't given it away, but you gave it and yourself better lives.

If she had decided to have the baby and keep it, Josh would have been with her every step of the way. Her parents would have insisted that they get married before the baby was born and they would have; Josh would not have hesitated to do the right thing by her and the baby, even if they both knew that it was foolish. They would always love each other but they would grow up and they would grow apart. There would be other people in their lives and they would always be wondering and entertaining thoughts but more than likely, they would never stray from one another—not physically. They would have had this child and maybe another several years later in an attempt to recapture what they once had together followed by a third child after a few more years. They would have loved each other and they would have loved their children but they both would have been filled with "what-ifs" and neither of them would be truly happy.

Was it possible that what happened was for the best? It doesn't feel like it's for the best. It doesn't feel like anything good. It feels awful, it feels miserable. There's almost an emptiness.

"Hey."

Josh is awake.

"Hi."

He lifts his arm and brushes her hair back, off of her face. He kisses her forehead. "It wasn't just a bad dream, was it?"

"No, it wasn't."

"Do you feel okay? I mean, like, physically."

She shrugs, letting go of the stuffed animal. "I guess. It's not like I really knew what it felt like to be—" for whatever reason, she can't bring herself to say the word "pregnant." She swallows. "So, I can't tell you if I feel any difference."

It's not a lie. There was the knowledge that there had been a tiny life inside of her but she had not noticed feeling any different. She hadn't felt that life inside of her. And now it was gone and there was nothing to feel. There would be nothing to feel.

"You know, you don't have to pretend for me, Mindy. I know that you're not just okay."

Mindy's eyes harden and she sits up, breaking Josh's hold on her. "I am not pretending for you, Josh, and I do not recall saying that I was okay."

He sits up. "Okay. I want us to talk about this and what we're feeling. If we're going to get through this—"

She climbs over him, out of her bed. "I meant it when I broke up with you last night, Josh, so stop saying 'we' like we're still a couple because _we_ are not."

He pouts. "Mindy—"

"This is non-negotiable, Josh. And maybe I don't want to talk about what happened. Maybe I just want a few days to process everything that happened by myself. I need time to process what has happened before I can talk about it and even begin to understand how I feel about it." She pushes her window open. "You should leave. Before my parents come to check on me."

Josh wants to argue with her, he wants to stay, he wants to break her walls down, he wants to scream, he wants to cry.

He slowly nods his head and slides off of her bed. "Yeah, okay."

He puts his shoes on. She wants him to go and she needs him to stay. Josh looks like he wants to say something but he doesn't as he climbs out of her window. Mindy watches as he carefully descends the trellis, keeping her eyes and face blank.

Their eyes meet when he stands in the backyard, looking up at her room. She can see his chest rise and fall as he sighs before he turns and walks away.


	7. Part 6

**A/N:** _warnings/pertinent info in prologue. Thanks for reading and reviewing! :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 6<strong>

When morning comes to the Parker-Nichols house, the sun is shining brightly. It is a beautiful day to pretend that tragedy did not strike the day before. But they will not pretend there; they will tiptoe around and over eggshells.

Drake's already awake, eating a bowl of cereal at the kitchen table, when Josh sneaks into the house through the backdoor.

"Hey."

"Hey. Are mom and dad up?"

Drake shrugs. "They haven't come down." He chews a mouthful of cereal. "I kind of told Megan about what happened. She kept asking."

"Okay. I don't care if Megan knows; it's not like she's going to go around telling everybody."

"Yeah, but, what if she wants to talk to you about it?"

"I want to talk about it. I don't want to keep it all inside," Josh says with a shake of his head, sitting across from his brother.

"You and Mindy didn't talk last night?"

Josh deflates even more than he already is. "She doesn't want to talk about it. She's not ready to."

"Are you back together?"

"No."

Drake raises an eyebrow. "But you spent the night with her?"

"Yeah. We didn't do anything. We didn't even really talk."

"I'm sorry, man." He is. Drake's sorry that he and his mom saw what they did and he's sorry that Josh is feeling so rotten. He's even kind of sorry for Mindy. He's sorry for all of them because there is a heaviness, a cloud of sorrow that has descended upon his family. He doesn't think that it will last long but he hates that it's there. He hates that something that was so small and barely existed is making them so sad.

Josh is growing tired of the word "sorry." It's a good thing that Mindy hadn't been further along and that more people didn't know because then it's all that he would hear for days from everybody.

Further along.

It's painful enough since he didn't even know that she was pregnant and she could only have been just over a month along. A tiny selfish part of him wishes that he still didn't know. That Mindy had not been at his house when it happened, that she had been at home and that it was a secret that only she and her parents knew, one that she would keep from him until a future date. If he didn't know, it might be easier for him to accept the break-up. She would have made up an excuse that he would have been forced to accept and then she would have let their friendship die a slow death; all the while, he would have been oblivious.

Josh would much rather have preferred the heartache and pain of just a break-up as opposed to the amplified emotions that he's feeling now. And the thoughts. The "what-ifs" have not even begun to start but he can sense them on the corners of his mind, creeping in.

He can try to give Mindy some time and space if that's what she needs until she's ready; it's going to be difficult for him when all he wants is to be with her through this. He is not just going to give up. This isn't going to be the end of them. It's not fair.

None of it is fair.

"Josh?" Drake is looking at him funny. He blinks a couple of times. "You zoned out there. You okay?"

"I was just thinking."

Drake doesn't ask what about because he's pretty sure that Josh was thinking about Mindy and the baby. It'd be weird if Josh wasn't thinking about that, about them. It hasn't been long enough that Josh's mind should be filled with thoughts of other things. Drake wants to tell Josh that he'll get over it and he'll get over Mindy, sooner than he thinks, sooner than he wants to, and that he will feel so much better when he does because it will probably be for the best. He's not going to say any of that to Josh. Not yet. Josh would not understand; it would be cruel for Drake to say these things because it is too soon (and maybe because there is a chance that he is wrong). He's not happy about what happened but he's trying to find the good in it.

"What are you doing up so early?"

"I couldn't sleep."

Josh doesn't have to ask why Drake couldn't sleep. He's almost positive that the only reason he got any sleep last night was because he was with Mindy and in their mourning, they had found comfort and peace with one another. Which only proves that they need to be together right now; maybe not forever, but right now they need each other. He knows that he needs her and he refuses to believe that she doesn't need him right now. They need each other because no one else knows how they feel.

"I thought I was going to have nightmares," Drake says as his eyes flicker to the foyer, "but instead I just couldn't sleep."

"Yeah." His tone is full of understanding.

The thought comes unbidden: He and Mindy would have had many sleepless nights with a newborn.


	8. Part 7

**A/N:** _see prologue for all info & warnings. Reviews feed the beast/muse! Thanks for reading! :)_

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><p><strong>Part 7<strong>

"I understand where you're coming from, Audrey, and I hope that you can understand where we are coming from," Mindy's mother says into the phone, absentmindedly dumping another spoonful of sugar into her tea. "It's not that we don't agree that Mindy and Josh should talk to one another about what has happened, we just don't believe that it should be so soon. As you know, Mindy can be—delicate. Her father and I are just doing what we feel is in her best interest by protecting her from any unnecessary pain or stress."

Audrey bristles on the other end. "How would letting her talk things over with Josh do any harm?"

"Simple, Audrey; Mindy does not want to talk to him. Forcing her to do so would only disrupt her healing process. You wouldn't want to force your son to do something that he wouldn't want to do, not if he was in a potentially fragile state, now would you?"

Audrey cannot argue with that. The girl does have a history of instability or whatever it was that resulted in her time institutionalized. She hadn't considered that something like this might upset the girl's balance. Perhaps it is best if she and Josh spend time apart. Only until they're all sure that Mindy is not going to have another breakdown of some sort. "No, I would not. I just want to be sure that whenever Mindy does feel ready to speak with Josh that you're not going to try to prevent her from doing so."

"Like I said, I will do whatever is in Mindy's best interest, whatever that may be. I'm sorry, Audrey, but I really do have to go now. We'll talk later in the week, after the kids have had a few days to get over everything. Bye." She hangs up abruptly.

Audrey opens her mouth to protest on the other end but she's hears the clicking of the phone disconnecting followed a few seconds later by a dial tone. She scoffs and shakes her head. Josh and Mindy may be their children but they most certainly are no longer "kids." And it is ridiculous if the Crenshaws truly believe that either Josh are Mindy are going to "get over" what happened in a matter of days.

Walter looks at her from the doorway between their bedroom and their bathroom. "They'll come around."

She raises her eyebrows, giving him a look that says "oh really?"

He shrugs. "They have to. Eventually."

"I think that if her parents had their way, that Mindy and Josh would never see each other again. I wouldn't be surprised if they transferred her to another school simply to keep her away from him. It's not healthy, Walter. You mark my words, they are going to try to sweep this whole incident under the rug and pretend like it never happened and it is going to screw that girl up."

"Audrey, sweetie, they're dealing with it the best way they know how to, just like we are. We can't fault them for doing things a little differently. The Crenshaws are good people. It's going to take time for all of us to get on the same page."

Audrey sighs. "I suppose you're right. We should check on the boys."

Several blocks away, Mrs. Crenshaw prepares herself a new cup of tea as her husband walks into the kitchen.

"Well?"

"They want us to let them talk; I told Audrey that Mindy needs time."

"And she needs to stay away from that boy. We never should have let them continue dating. We should not have approved of them getting back together," Mr. Crenshaw says adamantly, slapping his hand down on the kitchen counter.

"Oh, how could we have known that this would happen? We raised Mindy to be a good girl, to always hold herself accountable and Josh has always worked hard to impress us. He seemed to really care about her and they're both so intelligent. I still don't understand how this could have happened."

"I'll tell you how it happened: he had us and Mindy believing that he was a decent young man who would respect and cherish her. We should have known that a boy from a liberal family was going to corrupt her and use her."

"It wasn't like that." Her parents spin around to see Mindy standing in the hallway.

"Of course it was," her father insists.

"No, daddy, it wasn't. It was me. I—"

"That is enough. I refuse to believe that you are responsible for what has happened. That boy did this—"

"Not by himself." Mindy's eyes widen after the words leave her mouth. She doesn't talk back to her parents.

Her father nods his head, shaking his finger at her and her mother. "See? I knew that the Nichols boy would be a bad influence on you. I should have followed my instincts and never allowed you to see him again."

Mindy wishes that he would have; if he had, then none of this would have happened and maybe she wouldn't feel this way.

"This is making my blood pressure rise. I'm going to go play a round of golf to try to take my mind off of things. I'll be home before supper." He grabs his golf bag from the closet by the front door and he pulls the front door closed a little harder than he normally does. His daughter is not some trollop. She could not have known what she was doing. She could not have been so irresponsible. If anything of these things were true, they would reflect poorly on him. It would mean that he was a bad parent. He is a stand-up citizen and a loving father.

"You didn't tell him?" Mindy asks her mother softly.

Her mother doesn't understand how Mindy got pregnant in the first place because she had taken her daughter to the doctor and the pharmacy. Mindy had spoken with assertiveness and had promised her mother that she and Josh would be careful if and when they took the next step in their relationship.

Her mother shakes her head. She can feel a layer of blame wrapping around her like a blanket. If she hadn't tried to support Mindy, if she hadn't applauded her daughter's preemptive planning, if instead she had given her a cautionary tale from her own past, then maybe this could have all been avoided.

Mrs. Crenshaw resolves to be a better mother from now on.


	9. Part 8

**A/N:** _As always, info & warnings in prologue. Reviews are greatly appreciated; thanks for reading!_

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><p><strong>Part 8<strong>

Audrey and Walter don't know that Megan knows; she doesn't tell them and neither do Drake or Josh. They watch the words that they say because they don't want to have to deflect her questions or make excuses. They figure that her calmness and quiet has more to do with the fact that she can sense that something is going on. They don't know that her conscientiousness is because she knows that there was a tragedy and what it was.

Josh calls out from work because there's no way he can spend six hours at The Premiere watching happy couples milling about, carefree. Helen's irritated, as she normally is with him, but him taking the day off means that she doesn't have to put up with him and they will manage without him. He tries calling Mindy a few times; the phone rings twice each time before going to voice mail, which means that she's intentionally avoiding his calls. He sends her a text and she doesn't answer.

How can she not need to talk to him right now they way that he needs to talk to her? How can she not need to simply feel his presence the way that he needs to feel hers right now? How does she not want to make this easier and more bearable for them both?

He lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Even if she doesn't want to talk about losing the baby, he still just wants to talk to her—about everything, about nothing.

There had been a baby, a life that he and Mindy had created in a moment spawned from a study break, a reapplication of apricot lip-gloss, their hormones and love, and her parents being out of town. Initially, there had been no regrets except maybe that they had waited so long in the first place. Then the minutes had turned into hours and somehow they had decided that this would not be a regular thing because they didn't want their relationship to end up just being about sex.

If he'd had a condom or insisted that they had waited... They had talked to about it, they were both ready, and Mindy had meticulously planned for a date that had still been nine days away. If they had waited. She had wanted him and he had wanted her, and neither of them had wanted to stop. The walk from the study to her bedroom had done nothing to lessen the tension and attraction. There was a moment, standing in her room, when he undid the last button on her shirt and they had both paused, they had both stopped breathing for a few seconds. Then they simultaneously proceeded forward; he had slid his hands up to push her shirt off as she'd risen on her toes to kiss him.

They could never go back. There was not anything that they could change. Josh wouldn't change anything because it won't help anyone to dwell on the past and regrets. And he doesn't regret his night with Mindy; he regrets that they weren't safer but other than that, he wouldn't change a thing. Except maybe Mindy losing the baby. He would definitely change that. And her breaking up with him.

His phone vibrates and trills. He digs into his pocket and pulls his phone out. It's a text from Mindy.

_ 'Please stop trying to contact me. I will get in touch with you when I'm ready.'_

Josh frowns, tossing his phone to the foot of the bed. He balls his hands into fists and slams them down on the mattress, groaning. How can she be so cold and distant? Why is she closing herself off from him?

He kind of understands why. He guesses that she's just trying to protect herself. Maybe she's afraid that once things get better that he won't still want to be with her. Or maybe she doubts that he would have stayed with her if she had not miscarried. But she can't really think that—can she?

She should know him better than that. She should know that he just wants to be with her and be there for her. He wants her to cry on his shoulder. He wants to cry on her shoulder and nobody else's.

Okay. He needs to back off. If she needs a little time and space, a few days, until she feels like she's ready to talk to him and let him back in, he can give her that. He can wait for her. Because he loves her. And he knows that she still loves him.

He just doesn't know if she can feel it through everything else.


	10. Part 9

**A/N:** _Warnings & pertinent info in prologue. Thanks for reading & reviewing!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 9<strong>

Sunday is the longest day of Mindy's life (and Josh's too). Her mother keeps looking at her bravely and expectantly but neither of them brings up her miscarriage or her relationship with Josh. It hurts to think about it and it's crowding her mind so Mindy decides to not think about it. Her parents do not ask and she does not offer.

The house rules dictate that it's "how are you?" and "what happened," making it all so nice and neat because if they ignore it, maybe it will go away; they can pretend it never happened. Mindy is the perfect daughter with perfect flaws who should never falter because her family works hard to provide the perfect balance of support. A picture of perfection, cropped, photo-shopped, and airbrushed.

She used to be a little girl who believed in dreams and fairy tales. She could do anything that she set her mind to with the exception of not getting pregnant and having control of her own body or mind. She cannot avoid the dark days ahead. She cannot outrun them. She can linger in denial and pretend not to see them, not to feel them heading straight for her, circling around her.

She will go to school in the morning and she will go about her day as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing happened. She will go to her therapist and only then, for fifty minutes, will she allow herself to acknowledge to and confide in another person that she feels broken and that she wants nothing more than for someone to hold her and take the pain away. She just wants it to go away. Like the baby did.

She takes a deep breath, dragging herself from her thoughts. Tomorrow will be a new day, a fresh start. She will be better in the morning. She wants to feel better in the morning. Positive thoughts, positive re-enforcement.

Mindy can do anything she wants if she sets her mind to it.

"You didn't want the baby," she tells her reflection. "You're better off. Everything will go back to normal. Everything is fine. I will be okay. I am okay. I am perfectly fine."

However, everything has changed and somehow it feels stale. She has changed, her life has changed, but she looks exactly the same. She's glad that there are no physical clues. She had not gained weight and there was no glow.

She hears her phone, Josh's ringtone; she picks it up and hits ignore. She can't talk to him right now.

He should've been there. It doesn't matter that she was early; he should have been at home.

What if she had waited? If she had not gone over to the Parker-Nichols house early, would she still have lost the baby?

The butterfly effect. Newton's Third Law of Motion. For every action...

Was it her fault after all? Had she done something wrong?

No, you did nothing wrong.

Mindy realizes that her breathing is increasing and she's having trouble catching her breath. Panic. Anxiety.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

She can blame Josh not being at home but she was there early so therefore the blame shifts to her. He would have been on time; he would have been waiting for her. He didn't know that she had something of the utmost importance to tell him. She had given him no warning and she had not been given any in return. He would have ridden in the back of the ambulance with her, holding her hand, and he would have been just as frightened as she was. But he would have been there and maybe she wouldn't feel this way.

She feels... She doesn't want to think about what she feels. She doesn't want to feel.

She wants...to free fall. She wants to be in a state of suspended animation. She wants the spinning of the world on its axis to slow down because too much has happened much too fast and she has to decide which college to attend and what to do with the prom dress hanging in her closet that she purchased two weeks ago even though the dance is still four months away.

She has to accept the fact that she was pregnant and now she is not. She doesn't want to. There are other matters to attend to, much more pressing matters because something that is nothing cannot matter. It is not matter.

Except it was matter. Matter is energy. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. How could a life have been created and destroyed? Logic is failing her.

Her mother would try to understand and empathize. She would nod her head and give her a sympathetic look.

Her father would build her a tower as tall as a skyscraper; it would be made of mirrored glass that allowed her to look out but no one to see in, and it would be surrounded by briers.

Josh would understand. Josh would tell her that it does matter, that what she's feeling or not feeling matters, that they still matter and always will.

But Josh isn't feeling the same way that she does. He can't. He can't possibly know what she's thinking.

She will scream on the inside, she will cry and she will crack, but she will not tell him. He will not break her and he will not see her break. This will not break her.

She tells herself that she will feel better in the morning.


	11. Part 10

**A/N:** _info & warnings in prologue; much thanks to everyone who's reading and thanks for reviewing!_

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><p><strong>Part 10<strong>

Josh's parents tell him that it is completely understandable if he does not want to go to school on Monday. What else is he supposed to do? He can't stay home, constantly worrying about Mindy and thinking about the miscarriage. He needs class work to distract him. He needs to hear Craig and Eric ramble on aimlessly about what they did or didn't do together that weekend.

As Drake drives them to school, Josh wonders how long Mindy will be out. It doesn't cross his mind that she won't take a few days off and he does a double take when he sees her at her locker before the bell rings. There she is, wearing blue jeans and a lavender sweater, with her hair pulled back in an uncharacteristic ponytail, taking books out of her locker and placing them in her backpack. He knows that he's supposed to be respecting her wishes and giving her time and space however he can't stop himself from approaching her.

"Mindy, what are you doing here?"

She doesn't look at him as she zips her backpack. "I do go to school here, Josh, same as you."

He leans against the locker next to hers. "You know what I mean. I didn't think you'd be here today."

"Why not?"

"Because of," he looks around and lowers his voice, "what happened Saturday."

She presses her lips together and pushes her locker door shut hard before looking at Josh. "The doctor said that I was perfectly healthy and that there was no reason that I would not be able to continue on with my normal schedule."

"Yeah, but—"

"But what, Josh?"

"I just thought that you would want to take a few days off. You said that you needed time to yourself; how can you be by yourself when you're surrounded by everyone?"

She snorts. "You'd be surprised, Josh. Now, if you don't mind, I need to get homeroom."

The hardest part of Josh's day is sitting in the same class as Mindy, sitting three desks across and one back from her. She sits straight, perfect posture as always, but her hand doesn't immediately shoot up in the air at their teacher's questions, instead it takes nearly a full second for her arm to extend straight above her head. She answers with a confident tone but her volume is not as high as it normally is. There are a couple of times when she starts to turn her head, possibly to glance in his direction but she stops both times.

By lunch, a handful of their classmates have noticed that Josh and Mindy aren't meeting at their lockers and exchanging chaste kisses in the hallway. At first, there are just whispers that the two had a fight but by sixth period word is that they broke up.

"Oh, please, again? They'll probably be back together by Valentine's. Definitely before prom."

"Why'd they break up?"

"I heard that she wouldn't put out."

"I heard that he wouldn't put out."

The gossip is annoying and banal. They have no idea, they just don't know.

Josh wants to tell them that he and Mindy are taking a break; that neither of them has wronged the other. They just need time. And space.

He hopes that they're just taking a break. He doesn't want to believe that they're done. They can't be. He's not ready to let her go, to let go of them and what they have.

Okay, fine, maybe they won't be together forever but this can't be the end of them. It's bad enough that they'd foolishly spent so many unnecessary months apart in the past. Now he knows how much she means to him and he knows that he means the same to her.

He ignores the chatter. He wonders how Mindy feels about all of this gossip, if she's listening, if she's paying it any mind. He wonders if she's thinking about him, about them, about the baby.

She blocks it out, selective deafness. Mindy knows how to focus, how to concentrate, how to deny, how to pretend. It's nobody's business why she and Josh are no longer together. How awful it would have been if she had not lost the baby and she had decided to go through with the pregnancy. There's a chance that she would have been able to conceal her pregnancy, maybe until graduation; but what if she would not have been able to hide it? The halls would have been filled with rumors, vicious comments, and judgmental stares.

It was for the best. Just like breaking up with Josh was for the best.

Josh and Mindy almost walk right into one another after the final bell. For a second, Mindy's walls start to come down and her eyes soften because perhaps it would be easier if they were together. Then Josh gives her a small sad smile and he starts to open his mouth and Mindy can feel her heart breaking and the tears starting to build.

She shakes her head and quickly walks around him, down the hall, and out the double doors towards the parking lot where her mother is waiting.


	12. Part 11

**A/N:** _info/warnings in prologue. Reviews are love and love makes the world go round! :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 11<strong>

Mindy makes it through Monday and Tuesday; she goes about her normal routines, save for the ones that involved Josh. She doesn't speak to him and she avoids making eye contact with him. She ignores the idle gossip and chatter about their break-up and it fades away by the end of the school day on Tuesday. She remains composed, concentrating on taking notes and doing any busy work that she can find. Anything to keep her from thinking about that weekend.

Tuesday afternoon is the soonest that her therapist can see her. Her appointments are every other Thursday and maybe it could wait a couple more days but it'll be nice to talk to someone about it.

Mindy and her therapist exchange the usual pleasantries before the therapist prompts her with the question of "So how have you been since your last appointment? It's been a while since I've seen you early in the week."

She lowers her walls completely and lets the flood gates open for the next forty-one minutes. She crumbles and let the pain flow through her. She lost a part of herself that she barely knew existed and now she feels lost. She hasn't felt this lost since her breakdown. She doesn't want to experience that again. She is terrified that another breakdown of some sort may be in her near future because of this. She wants to be better; she _needs_ to be better.

She admits that she feels anything but relieved about losing the baby. She hurts and feels this desperation. She wants it back. If she could have a do over, if there was something that she could so that she wouldn't lose the baby, she would do it.

Her therapist reiterates that the miscarriage wasn't her fault and that there was nothing Mindy could have done to prevent it.

"I would rather feel numb."

"Numbness is not healthy, Mindy. You need to embrace the pain and all the other emotions that you are feeling so that the healing process can begin. You need to find the proper channels through which to express yourself."

The therapist then asks about Mindy's parents and Josh, their reactions and how they are dealing.

Her parents. She can't talk to her parents about it. They could deal with her going crazy but this is a bit much for them to handle. Her father can't fathom that she is sexually active and her mother seems to wish that she hadn't known. From what she can discern, they are happy or at least relieved that her pregnancy ended before anyone knew.

Josh. She doesn't—she wants—she can't…she can't be with him right now. She can't look at him because she's afraid that the sight of him and the sound of his voice are only going to remind her of what she's lost. (What they've lost.) She'll wonder if the baby would have had his eyes and her nose.

She'll talk to him once it's easier to bear, when she aches less, when her world isn't topsy-turvy.

"You don't think that maybe his world is a little 'topsy-turvy' as well?"

Mindy allows that it probably is.

She starts pulling herself together and drying her tears. Her therapist suggests that Mindy return on Thursday for her regular appointment and offers to squeeze her in next week as well, if that's okay with Mindy. Mindy agrees because she recognizes that she does need someone to talk to until she gets her balance back.

Her session ends a few minutes early and she goes to the waiting room to wait for her mother. She freezes when she sees Drake sitting in a chair, flipping through a magazine. She'd known that he went to therapy but she had no idea that his therapist shared a practice with hers. He glances up and sees her and sort of waves. He's seated near the door so she's going to have to walk past him on her way out.

She takes a deep calming breath before walking in his direction. It's a nice day, she can wait outside.

"Mindy."

She stops, wary. "Yes?"

"How are you?" he asks lamely.

"I'm okay." It's as close to the truth as she's willing to tell anyone who is not her therapist.

"Josh is a wreck. He really wants to talk to you. He's having a bad time with this."

"And I'm not?" she snaps. She glances at the receptionist then whispers, harshly, "I'm pretty sure that I'm having a worse time than he is."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't know, would you because you won't talk to him." He tries very hard not to sound nasty.

"Drake, this really isn't any of your business—"

"It kind of is since I witnessed you—" the words catch in his throat and he quickly replaces them with, "what happened."

How is she supposed to to deal with it when no one wants to say it? "What happened." All of these tidy words and vague phrases that gloss over the grotesqueness and gravity. How can she wrap her brain around it? How is she supposed to feel? It makes everything that she and Josh had seem like it should be deemed wrong and shameful.

"My relationship with Josh or lack thereof, is none of your business."

The receptionist tells Drake that he can go in before he has a chance to argue with Mindy.

Mindy walks outside. She checks her phone and there's a message from her mother letting her know that she's running about five minutes late; she got caught in traffic behind a fender-bender. Mindy deletes the message then finds herself scrolling through her contacts. She stops on Josh's name, her thumb hovering over the call button as he mother pulls into the parking lot.

She presses the end button, navigating away from the call screen.


	13. Part 12

**A/N:** _info/warning in prologue. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 12<strong>

After dinner, Mindy stares at her list of contacts, seriously contemplating calling or texting Josh. Maybe she does it owe to him to talk to him or to at least listen to what he wants to say, what he needs to say about her, about them, about the baby. She bites her bottom lip. She's not ready to talk to him, to hear him trying to console her, to hear him swear that everything will be all right. Maybe one day it will be but right now, it's so far away from all right. She's so far away from all right.

She wants everything to be the way that it was. She was happy with Josh and she's not discounting that she can be happy with him again but right now it's out of the question. Happiness is out of the question.

There are so many things that she wants to say to Josh but that she can't, that she won't.

_I'm not okay. I miss you. It's not over. We're not over. Come over. I love you. I'm not ready to deal with this. I'm not quite here. You can't fix me. You can't make this better. Please make it all go away. Let's runaway. I need you._

She finally sets her cell phone down and starts working on the outline for her AP English essay.

Josh keeps glancing up from his homework at his phone, as if he's trying to will it to ring. He hasn't spoken to Mindy since Monday morning at school, and it's weird and it feels wrong to not be in touch with her when she's so close because she's distancing herself from him. He hopes that she's at least talking to her parents about how she feels about losing the baby.

His fingers twitch and he clenches his hands into fists as he reminds himself that Mindy has made it crystal clear that she does not want him reaching out to her until she reaches for him. When she does, he will grab hold of her and never let her go.

This will get better, they will be better. Next time, they will be smarter and safer.

Drake walks out of the kitchen and debates telling Josh that he saw Mindy that afternoon at his therapist's office. He knows that he's not really supposed to discuss things from there outside of his sessions but they were in the waiting area and it's not like Josh doesn't know that Mindy has issues.

It was a good session. He was able to walk through the front door and stand in the exact same spot where Mindy had when it happened after therapy without it being the first thing on his mind. It wasn't until after he'd plopped down on the sofa that he realized that he hadn't thought about it. There's a good chance that he's going to get the best night sleep he's gotten in days.

When Josh is changing into his pajamas later that night, the trilling of his phone causes him to jolt. That's the alert tone he has set for texts from Mindy. He swallows nervously before opening the message. He stares at the words, perplexed, for several seconds before he understands.

_My window's open._

Mindy is not weak but it was a moment of weakness that broke through and took control and she presses send and she can't take it back. She doesn't want to take it back. She hopes that Josh is still awake and that he's going to indulge her.

She shouldn't be doing this. She's not stringing him along, it's not her intent at all. She doesn't want to give him a false sense of hope that they are on the mend, that she is on the mend. But she needs him there and she hates it. She hates how at peace she felt when she woke in his arms Sunday morning, how it had all faded away for a brief time. If he just holds her and doesn't speak, maybe she'll feel a little better.

Maybe she will feel.

She hears him outside of her window and she breathes a sigh of relief. He looks at her with wide eyes, sad yet hopeful, as he braces himself on the windowsill before hoisting himself into her room.

"I—" he starts.

"Don't," she says, shaking her head and standing. She presses her lips together and looks at the floor as she reconsiders just how rational (irrational) this is. She looks back up at him. "I would like for you to stay with me tonight. Before you say anything, I need to tell you that it still doesn't change anything. I know that asking you to be here for me while I cannot be emotionally available to you is not fair. I understand if you don't stay."

It's like his heart starts to break in front of her all over again. "Mindy..."

"Goodnight, Josh." She starts to turn but then he's in front of her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her, firm but soft.

"I'll stay."


	14. Part 13

**A/N:** _info & warnings in prologue. Thanks so much for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 13<strong>

Mindy and Josh are awakened by her alarm clock on Wednesday morning. She reaches over to her nightstand and shuts the alarm off. She continues to lie in bed, allowing Josh to hold her tighter for a few moments before he lets go and she slides out of bed.

Her reprieve from reality does not last long and she knew that it wouldn't. She's grateful for the fleeting peace she finds when Josh is with her. She can't work it out in her head how she wants so badly to be with him yet simultaneously she wants to be as far away from him as possible. She wants him to hold her in his arms and she doesn't want him to touch her. She wants him to love her and she wants him to hate her. She loves him and she hates him. She wants them to be everything and forever and she wants them to be nothing and never again. It doesn't make any sense. It's all mixed up. If she could reconcile her thoughts and her feelings—

Feelings.

She doesn't understand how it can hurt so much that she can barely feel it. She can barely feel anything at all. She doesn't want to feel the pain but she should feel something.

Josh pauses by her side and kisses her cheek before he heads to the window. As troublesome as it is, he's trying to accept whatever Mindy's willing or able to give him. He'll be whatever she wants and needs him to be. He'll do any and everything that she needs and wants him to do. Whatever it takes for them to get back on track and back to them. Back to good, back to happy, back to love.

He will keep his protests and arguments to himself until she will hear him and listen.

He doesn't bother sneaking in through the backdoor when he gets home. It's still early enough that he doubts that anyone will be downstairs and notice his entrance. He heads straight into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of juice before going upstairs to take a shower. Megan is in the kitchen spreading jam onto her toast.

She gives him a funny look. "Did you just get home?"

He shrugs. "Maybe."

"When did you go out? Where did you go?" Josh doesn't answer her, choosing to drink his juice instead. Megan sighs and then realization dawns on her. She looks a little upset. "Oh my God, you were with Mindy, weren't you? What are you two trying to do?"

"We're not trying to do anything. Mindy just didn't want to be alone last night."

"Oh give me a break, Josh, I'm not some stupid kid. I feel bad about Mindy losing the baby but if you two aren't careful, she's gonna be knocked up again before you know it."

"Mindy and I aren't—it was just that one time!"

"Yeah, and that's all that it took." Megan stares at her toast. She's lost her appetite. "I miss my childhood. I miss last week when if somebody had mentioned you having a sex life I would have laughed and then thrown up a little in my mouth. Those were the good days. It's true what they say, ignorance is bliss," she says, somewhat sardonically.

"Yeah, how do you think I feel?" Josh says bitterly. "Mindy won't talk to me, she doesn't want to be with me, but she—I don't know."

"And you spent the night with her again? I know she's got a few screws loose but what's your excuse? Other than you being an idiot?"

"Mindy's not crazy, she's just...look, sometimes she just doesn't handle stress that well. That's what happened before."

Megan thinks it over. "You think that she's going to end up in the nut hut again?"

Josh shakes his head. "I don't know. I hope not. I guess it's possible."

"So what, you're just going to keep sneaking over to her house every night until she's all better or she loses it?"

"If she wants me to, yeah."

Megan nods. "Yeah, you might have a few loose screws too." She starts for the stairs then stops, looking back at Josh. "I know that I might have sounded a little mean, but I don't want to see you or Mindy or anyone else get hurt again like this. What you guys are going through sucks already, you don't need to make it any worse. Seriously, I think that you should probably stay away from her until she stops yo-yoing. "

Josh knows that Megan has a point. He should stay away from Mindy until she really wants him to be there. But he can't. He won't.


	15. Part 14

**A/N: **_warnings/info in prologue. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 14<strong>

When Mindy goes to see her therapist after school on Thursday, she feels free again for approximately fifty minutes. The words and emotions continue to tumble from her lips. Her fears, her hopes, her dreams, her nightmares. Her confusion. She sees Josh at school, he doesn't speak to her, and she doesn't speak to him. She wants him and she does not want to want him, she does not want to need him. When she does feel, she feels horrible and depressed and the numbness edges along; when Josh is holding her and they are just them, there are no words and it all fades away. She can almost believe that everything really will be okay, that it will all be better, sooner rather than later.

She doesn't want him to blame her. She doesn't want him to hate her. She does not want him to try to fix her. If he could just let her be, if he could just hold her, if he could just silently let her world shatter and watch, wait, as she picks up the millions of pieces that she will become until she is whole again. It's too much to ask and it is not fair to him. She cannot ask that of him. She will not ask that of him.

"Do you think that it's fair to not give him the option?"

Life is not fair. Love is not fair. She loves him too much.

"Have you talked to him since our session on Tuesday?"

Yes and no. She has spoken to him and he has listened. He's trying to be patient. He responds to her requests with as few words as possible. He came over when she needed him. He gives and she takes.

She doesn't want to hurt him. She doesn't want him to stay away. She doesn't want him to feel her pain. She doesn't want to feel his pain.

If they talk, the pain is all that will be.

"You can't truly begin to heal and overcome your pain if you do not talk about. Acknowledgment and acceptance are key. Are you still writing in your journal?"

Mindy does not particularly care for therapy homework. Write in your journal about this, about that and next time you see me we can discuss what you were thinking and feeling and why you may have been thinking or feeling that way.

"Are you familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief?"

Vaguely.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

Mindy is some combination of denial, anger, and depression. There is little need or room for bargaining. No one is going to push her to acceptance. It is a destination that she has to reach at her own pace.

Her therapist comments that it is more than likely that Mindy is not the only person who has been affected by the recent events that is trying to get to acceptance as well.

"Miscarriage." It's the first time that Mindy has said the word since she told Josh. "I had a miscarriage. I would greatly appreciate it if everyone around me stopped referring to it as 'what happened.' _What happened_ is that got pregnant and then I lost the baby. If no one else in my life can accept that, then how can I?"

"I can see how that would make it difficult for you. It seems like everyone is in some stage of denial. It's been less than a week since your miscarriage. Everyone has to move at their own pace."

What if her parents don't move? What if they do not acknowledge it? How is she supposed to get better? How can she move on?

"Talk to them. Tell them how you honestly feel."

She wants to and she doesn't want to. They're already so disappointed; she knows that they are. They want to forget, they want to pretend. She wishes she could, she wishes they could. She can't. They can't.

Her therapist simply nods. They will discuss Mindy and her parents again next week.

The ride home with her mother is filled with empty words. She wishes that he mother would say something, anything, about the baby or the miscarriage. Even if she just admonishes her for not being more careful with Josh.

She needs Josh. She wants Josh.

She can talk to him. No, she can't. She doesn't want to drown him in her tears. She does not want to be the undertow that pulls him far beneath the surface into the darkness where he cannot see nor can he breathe.

She wants him to run, to fly away and be free. She wants him to leave and never look back. She wants him to stay; she wants him to see all of the imperfections in the foundation and walls that are holding her up.

Mindy types the word _"Window" _and closes her eyes as she hits the send button on her cell phone. When Josh hoists himself into her room a little while later, Mindy speaks softly, "Just tell me that you don't hate me but please don't say anything else."

She is as strong as she is vulnerable and it keeps breaking Josh's heart. "I don't hate you."

Mindy nods and reaches out for his hand. "Stay?"

He nods.

They climb into her bed, under the sheets and he holds her. "Is it still the same?" he asks quietly.

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not."

"It will be." Josh means for the words to be comforting, reassuring; his inflection is the same as when he tells her that he loves her. He's not quite sure what to do or say when Mindy starts to sob in response. He pulls her closer, rubbing her back, stroking her hair as she weeps against his chest.

Josh doesn't even realize it when he starts crying.


	16. Part 15

**A/N:** _as always, info/warnings in prologue. Thanks for reading! Reviews welcomed! :-D_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 15<strong>

Josh's hand comes down quickly on the alarm clock, silencing the harsh beeping tones. He presses a kiss to Mindy's forehead before getting out of the bed. "I'll see you at school."

Mindy doesn't want to go to school today. She would rather stay in bed. Just for the day. She wants to call out to Josh before he climbs out the window and ask him to stay with her today. They can go anywhere, anywhere but here. She just needs this day. She wants to take this day to get away from it all, to get away from everybody.

He's out her window, scaling down the trellis and she doesn't say a word.

There will be other days. They will have other days. Once she's better. When she starts to feel like being whole again is a near possibility.

It shouldn't be enough for Josh, just being with her but it is. Mindy had not thought that just being with him would be enough to calm her troubled mind but somehow it is.

It's hard with him there and it's a fraction harder when he's not around.

It's hard for him when she is there but she is not there, it's hard for him when she's not there, but it's not quite as hard when she lets him hold her even though she still won't let him in.

Drake chews the inside of his cheek when Josh slips back into their room after taking a shower. He knows that Josh was probably with Mindy again last night. He doesn't know what's going on with them. They're not together and they're not talking but they are spending nights together and this cannot end well. Not for Josh. Josh cares too much and Mindy just... She doesn't wear her emotions, displaying them for the world to see, the way that Josh does. He doesn't hide his feelings well, he never has. Mindy can see that Josh cares and how depressed this whole thing has him. She just seems like herself but a little less witchy than normal. Drake can't look at her and really tell that she's going through anything.

It's not fair to Josh that he's feeling like crap and Mindy is acting as if everything is fine. Drake watches Josh struggle to get through the days, forcing smiles and laughter, constantly glancing at Mindy and looking heartbroken. From where Drake is, it appears that Mindy is getting on with her life easily. That or she's putting on a damn good show. Either way, Drake does not like it, not one bit.

He'll say something to Josh about it this weekend.

In the hall before first bell, Josh looks over at Mindy talking with a few of her friends. She looks up, letting their eyes meet. He gives her a small smile that she does not return. It's progress though. She's been avoiding making eye contact with him so this is good.

During homeroom, Josh realizes that he hasn't seen Mindy smile, not even a little, not even a fake one, since last Friday.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? She has no reason to smile and she's not pretending that she does, so maybe it is a good thing. And she cried last night. And she wants him around even though she can't or won't talk to him. She can't or won't hear him.

She needs him and Josh feels a little better knowing that she does and that on some level she is willing to admit that she does need him and that she wants him to be with her.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Take a breath, let it out. One foot in front of the other. They're going to get through this. They are going to make it. Together.

Her eyes search out his several times throughout the day. She holds his gaze for a few seconds then exhales and looks away. She never smiles.

Josh can't quite name the look in her eyes. It's a longing, a plea, almost like a desperate hope and a challenge.

_Wait for me._

_ Catch me if you can._

Josh doesn't get the full meaning. He misses some of what Mindy is trying to convey.

_If I fall and you do not catch me (you cannot catch me), will you be there to help me up? (Will you pick me up?)_

_ Can you gather all the pieces of me before they scatter in the wind? If you do, you can't put them together, don't even try. That's not for you to do. I will put me back together, you will put yourself back together, and then we will put us back together._

Walking out of class, Mindy brushes past Josh and pauses in the hallway. As students continue bustling around them, Josh stops behind her and impulsively reaches for her hand and squeezes it gently. Not looking back at him, she squeezes back then slides her hands out of his and heads to her next class.

When Josh breathes, he feels like it's the first real breath he's taken in almost a week. He's coming alive again. Hopefully Mindy will too. Soon.


	17. Part 16

**A/N:** _Sorry for the delay in updates but sometimes real life takes over. I'm not as happy with this part as I'd like to be but I haven't been able to do much else with it. Thanks for reading! Reviews are love! :-)_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 16<strong>

Drake has a date. It's Friday night, so of course he has a date. His first date since…. He has a date and Josh is working.

There has not been a good time for Audrey and Walter sit down with their boys and talk about what happened. It's been almost a week.

"Drake!"

He finds his car keys between sofa cushions. He tosses them in the air and catches them just as his mother leans over the pass-through window from the kitchen.

"Yeah, Mom?"

"Are you going out?"

"Yeah. I'm taking Shannon to see a movie."

Audrey disappears from his sight then steps into the living room. She nods her head. "We'd like for you to be home before midnight."

"What? Mom, it's Friday, my curfew is—non-existent."

"Well now it does exist. Some things need to change around here. Your father and I would like to know where our children are and that you're safe and making good choices."

"We're just going to the movies!"

"It's eight o'clock, Drake. What time does the movie start?"

Drake shrugs. "Nine-fifteen?"

"Midnight, Drake, and not a minute later."

"But, Mom—"

"No buts, Drake. You break your curfew and you'll be grounded."

"That's not fair! Does Josh have to be home by midnight?"

"Your brother is working tonight. Work curfews and date curfews are different. But you will both have the same curfews otherwise."

So, Josh and Mindy have some stupid mishap and Drake gets punished? That is not fair. Yeah, he feels bad for them but hasn't he suffered enough? He was there when it happened. He's had nightmares and trouble sleeping. Now his freedom is being taken away? It's not right.

A surge of spite and anger hits Drake and he almost blurts out that Josh has been sneaking out and spending nights with Mindy.

"Fine," he huffs, storming towards the front door.

"Drake!" Audrey calls.

He pauses, his hand on the doorknob. "Yeah?"

She swallows. "Be careful."

Without thinking, still spiteful and upset, he tosses back, "I always am."

Audrey sighs, shaking her head. She can understand Drake rebelling against her authority. It's not his fault but she can't possibly impose rules on one child and not the other. It would be a double standard and that would be unfair. She and Walter will now hold both of their sons to the same rules and standards. They will be a little more attentive. They will ask questions.

Shannon reminds Drake that her curfew is at one when he picks her up. He bitterly remarks that it won't be a problem since he suddenly has to be home an hour before she does because of something stupid. She asks how long the movie is; they should still have plenty of time to "hang out" when it's over. It makes Drake feel a little better.

He tries to put it all out of his mind when they get to The Premiere. It's easier said than done because Josh is standing behind the snack counter, sorting candy, and glancing across the lobby to where Mindy is seated at a table with a group of people, including her cousin Chad.

Drake leaves Shannon at a table, telling her that he's going to grab them a couple of sodas before the movie.

"Hey."

"Hey." Drake looks over to where Mindy is, laughing with the group. "She looks like she's having fun."

"Looks can be deceiving." Josh hands Drake the drinks. "She's faking. I've been doing the same thing everyday for the past six days."

Drake snorts.

"What?"

"You sure she gives a damn?"

"Yes, Drake, I am sure she" Josh lowers his voice to a whisper, "'gives a damn.' I know her better than you do."

"And I know you better than she does. When are you going to stop letting her trample all over you and tell her how you feel about all this?"

"When she's ready to hear it."

"Josh—"

"What, Drake? She's not dealing with—" he wants to say the words but there are too many people around so he settles with the worn out phrase, "—what happened just yet. She's trying, but…she's having a hard time."

"What about you, Josh?"

He shrugs. "I'm doing better than she is."

"Why are you making this all about her when she doesn't care enough to ask you how you're doing? She won't even talk to you."

"I can't talk about this anymore. I am trying to work. Besides, your date looks a little lonely, Drake," Josh adds tightly.

"She's not the only one."

"That's enough, Drake. I mean it. Leave it alone. I don't need your help with Mindy."

"Fine, whatever," Drake grumbles, glaring in Mindy's direction before rejoining Shannon.

Whether he wants to admit it or not, Josh does need help. And not just with Mindy. If only Josh could see past Mindy's well-hidden pain to his own barely concealed heartache.


	18. Part 17

**A/N:** _info & warnings in prologue; thanks for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 17<strong>

Mindy returns home with time to spare before her curfew. Her parents are waiting for her in the family room.

"Did you have a good time?" her mother asks.

Mindy stands in the doorway. "It was all right. Chad's friends and I don't exactly travel in the same circles."

Her father clears his throat. "If you are feeling up to it, your mother and I would like to have a discussion with you about what happened last week."

"My miscarriage?" The word still feels and sounds so foreign and hollow.

His cheeks become flushed and he clears his throat again. "Yes, that. Do you feel up to talking about it?"

Mindy nods. "Yes, sir."

"Please join us," her father says, gesturing at the sofa between the two armchairs that he and her mother are occupying.

Once she's seated, her father speaks, "Now, before we get started, I think you should know that your mother and have spoken with your grandparents. If you need to take some time off, to decompress, or just to get away for a few days, they would be thrilled to have you stay with them."

Mindy feels the panic rising. She would have expected this if she were still pregnant. "You're sending me away?"

Her mother is quick. "No, dear. We're just letting you know that you have options. You don't have to stay here if you are not comfortable being here. If you need to get away from anything or anyone for a while, we understand."

"Do they know?"

"No. We told them that you've been dealing with a lot; it's a very stressful time in your life," her father says.

Shame. Disgrace.

"We didn't know if you wanted them to know," her mother adds.

"I don't know."

After a few moments of silence, her father begins, "Mindy, I know that you may have strong feelings for the Nichols boy but the two of you are much too young to have an intimate relationship. If you were to decide that you wanted to rekindle your relationship with him – well, I'm not so sure that we could approve of that. Not after what has happened."

Part of her can't help but to be amused with the knowledge and secret that Josh has been climbing in through her window and crawling into her bed and that her parents are none the wiser.

More than the fleeting amusement, she can feel her heart screaming 'I need him.' It's tight and it's throbbing, and it hurts so damn bad.

It hurts. She feels. Feeling.

_I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still holding on. I'm still sane._

She tunes back in to what her father is saying.

"We have tried to raise you properly. We thought that we had. If we went wrong somewhere…."

Mindy swallows. "You're ashamed of what I've done."

Her mother starts, "Oh, no, Mindy, it's not that at all…"

"No parent wants to see their child make the same mistake that they've made." Her father rises and walks over to the window. "No parent wants to watch their child suffer any more than necessary. There are things in this world that cannot be avoided. Other things can be."

Mindy shakes her head. "I'm not sure that I understand what—"

"I had an abortion."

Mindy's head whips around and she stares at her mother, her mouth agape. She what?

"When I was in college, about a year before I met your father, there was this boy. Oh, he was my sun, the moon and the stars. I was so in love with him and he loved me." She sighs. "Neither of us were ready to be parents and I couldn't very well focus on my studies if I was worried about my pregnancy and an impending adoption. And my morning sickness had started early and lasted all day. We both decided that it was for the best. We drifted apart afterwards; he pursued an alternative lifestyle and I met your father. I do not regret what I did, Mindy, ending my pregnancy but even to this day there are still some times when I wonder."

During the story, neither of them notice the way that Mindy's father's jaw clenches. He is an outsider. He will never know what his wife has given up or what his daughter has lost. They will have their memories, their pain, and every other emotion that is connected to what they have each been through. He will have the knowledge that there was nothing that he could do for either of them to prevent their pain in the first place.

Mindy can barely process what her mother has just told her and the underlying meaning of her words: _In a way, I understand what you're going through._

And maybe her mother does but it's not the same. Her mother cannot possibly know just how badly she hurts, how badly she wishes that she could change what happened. No one could know. No one… except for maybe Josh.


	19. Part 18

**A/N: **_As always, info/warnings in prologue. Thanks for reading, reviews are lovely!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 18<strong>

Saturday morning Mindy slips out of the front door and rides her bike to the Parker-Nichols house. It's time for her and Josh to try to talk about things. About them, about the baby, about the miscarriage. She needs to start facing reality. She has to face the pain, not just hers but Josh's too because she knows that he's hurting and she needs to acknowledge that. She has to feel it and embrace it and then let it go and yet she still has to hold on. She is strong, she is stronger than this.

Mindy sets her bike by the porch and moves quickly to the front door. She knocks and waits. She's pretty sure that Josh has the day off and that's good. These memories and emotions aren't things that he needs to have on the forefront or even in the back of his mind at work (or at school).

Drake opens the front door and the surprised expression on his face quickly gives way to hardness and annoyance. "What do you want?"

"I'm here to see Josh."

He doesn't move from standing in front of the door, blocking her entrance, and he folds his arms across his chest. "Oh, really? What for? You not done breaking his heart yet?"

She shakes her head. "I have never intentionally hurt Josh and I am here to—" She can see past Drake and her eyes land on the spot on the foyer floor, just a few feet away, where she had been standing when she realized that there was no longer a reason for her early arrival. Her eyes widen and her chin begins to tremble.

Drake suddenly feels like a horrible jerk because he can see the tears filling Mindy's eyes just before they begin spilling down her cheeks. No. This isn't right. She doesn't have real feelings. She's not supposed to be crying. She doesn't care and yet she's standing on his family's front porch, her shoulders jerking as she starts sobbing.

"Shit." Drake grabs her arm and pulls her inside of the house, pushing the door closed. "Shh. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it."

She's still focused on the spot on the floor. It's clean. She can't see any stains, no traces, no remnants of anything. _Nothing._

Drake looks around the room, frantic. She's having a meltdown. She's _crying_. Like, really crying. He doesn't do crying girls, not silent tears and not openly weeping and not losing their shit like Mindy is right now. He can't handle this.

"Josh!" he hollers in the direction of the stairs. He starts to reach out to her, to pat her on the shoulder to try to comfort her and she sort of throws herself against him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He cringes then freezes, shocked by the contact and the onslaught of emotions that seem to be running through Mindy. He doesn't know what to do except to call out for Josh again.

Josh comes hurrying down the stairs, "Yeah, Drake, what's—" He spots Drake looking completely freaked out as Mindy clings to him, sobbing. Josh gives him a cold, hateful look as he moves over to them. "What did you do?"

"I don't…I just said—"

"I told you to leave her alone!" Josh places a hand on the small of Mindy's back and she quickly moves into his arms and he can hear her say that she's sorry. He holds her tightly, rubbing her back, trying to sooth her, glaring over her head at his brother. "It's okay."

They stand there for a few minutes, Drake looking conflicted, apologetic, and guilty as Josh glowers at him, as Mindy slowly starts to calm back down.

Josh presses a kiss to the top of Mindy's head. "Come on, let's go upstairs."

She nods and heads up the stairs.

"Josh, I didn't mean—"

He rounds on his best friend. "I don't care, Drake! I told you, _I told you_, that Mindy is having a hard enough time dealing with the…" he swallows and forces the words out, "losing the baby. You just had to make things worse, didn't you?"

"I'm sorry!"

"Tell her that!" Josh spits. Drake starts to move towards the stairs but Josh stops him, taking a step to block his path. "Not now. Just…leave her alone. Leave _us_ alone, okay?"

Drake starts to open his mouth to defend himself but he stops. He _was_ wrong. "Okay."

When Josh walks into the room that he and Drake share, Mindy is sitting on the edge of his bed, her hands in her lap, the occasional tear sliding down her cheeks. She looks up at him with watery eyes. "It wasn't Drake's fault. I haven't been here since…" she takes a deep breath and starts again, "I haven't been here since the miscarriage. I thought that I was ready to talk about it but I'm not. I'm sorry, Josh."

He sits down next to her and he puts an arm around her; she rests her head against his chest. "You don't have to talk about it if you're not ready."

She nods and reaches for his other hand, lacing her fingers through his, and brings his other arm around her waist so that she is encircled in his arms.

It doesn't matter what she can or cannot verbally say to him right now, or what she can or cannot stand to hear him verbalize to her. For Josh, it means so much that she came over and that she's trying to move forward, not just back to him, but with him.

"Will you come over tonight?"

"If you want me to, yeah."

"I want you to."


	20. Part 19

**A/N: **_warnings/info in prologue. Thanks for reading, if you still are; reviews are love!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 19<strong>

Josh walks Mindy down the hall, past Megan who's staring at them inquisitively, and down the stairs to the front door. He maneuvers so that he blocks her view of where she had been standing a week ago and he places a kiss on her temple before she walks out the door. Drake slides a little lower down on the sofa, sulking.

It's not like he was trying to make Mindy cry. If she hadn't been acting so heartless towards Josh, he wouldn't have been so mean and rude. It's not entirely his fault. He was just trying to have Josh's back. Somebody had to stand up for him with Mindy and since Josh obviously wasn't going to do it himself, Drake felt like he had to. He thought, he hoped, that Josh would understand. Either Mindy was going to let him in or she was going to leave him wallowing in sadness. Now Drake worries that he's made things worse. Seriously, how was he supposed to know that she wasn't being cold and cut off on purpose? Sure, Josh had told him differently but he'd thought that his brother was only seeing what he wanted to see where Mindy was concerned. He didn't know.

"It wasn't anything you said," Josh says after the door closes.

Drake looks up at him. "Huh?"

"You didn't make Mindy cry," he informs Drake; Josh's shoulders sag as his eyes linger on the floor.

"I didn't?"

"No, you didn't. But you didn't help matters either."

Drake sits up. "I know and I'm sorry! I really am, Josh. I feel bad. I just wanted her to stop treating you like your feelings don't matter."

"She's not treating me like that. She's..." Josh knows that there is some truth to what Drake is saying. She had been ignoring his feelings but she's starting to acknowledge them and that's something. He's going to give her the benefit of the doubt because he sees her making the effort to deal with the miscarriage and to not shut him out. He sighs. "She's trying, Drake. She just has to deal with her own feelings first. And don't say anything about how I should put my own feelings before hers."

"I wasn't going to," Drake mumbles. He was. "You know that Mom and Walter are giving us curfews now because of you and Mindy?"

Josh shrugs. "It wasn't the time of day; it just happened. And it's not going to stop me from going to see her."

"You mean that it's not going to stop you from sneaking out and spending the night with her?" Josh nods. "I'm not going to cover for you, Josh. Once they realize that it's late at night and you're not home – it's not fair that now they don't trust either one of us."

"Yeah, well, it's also not fair that my girlfriend had a miscarriage. And I haven't asked you to cover for me and I'm not going to. If I get caught, I get caught. I don't care."

"You used to care."

"That was before."

Drake blinks. "Does she really mean that much to you?"

Josh looks at him with annoyed disbelief. "Yes, Drake. I... I love her. I really love her. I think that I love her the way that you love music."

"That's... Really?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think that she still loves you?"

"I think that she does."

"But you don't know?"

"Well, she's in emotional turmoil right now, Drake, so no, I don't know for sure."

He's so quick to jump to Mindy's defense. Drake decides it's best to back off and to just drop it and to completely change the subject. He almost brings up the science fair.

"Megan's got a recital coming up."

The atmosphere remains tense between Drake and Josh as they talk about Megan and music and bad reality television. At the dinner table that evening, conversations are pleasant and superficial. Audrey and Walter are still under the belief that Megan has no clue about what happened and they still have no intention of telling her anytime soon; besides, enough days have passed that they feel that it's up to Josh whether or not he wants her to know.

Megan picks at her mashed potatoes, kind of wishing that someone would slip up and make a reference to Mindy and Josh and the baby. It's totally affecting the whole family and her parents are trying to protect her or something from having to know or think about it but they are so wrong. She considers blurting out that she knows as she reaches for another roll but she catches hints of the gloomy look that has taken up residence Josh's eyes and she opts not to.

This sucks so much.


	21. Part 20

**A/N:** _info/warnings in prologue. Thanks for reading!_ :-)

* * *

><p><strong>Part 20<strong>

Audrey wrings her hands waiting for her sons to get settled down. She and Walter have been trying to prepare themselves for the past few days. They can accept that both Drake and Josh are growing up. To say that they're growing up too fast isn't quite accurate.

Audrey searches for the light she was so used to seeing to Josh's eyes, the happiness and innocence. It's not there.

Walter clears his throat. "Your mother and I thought it would be best to discuss what happened with both of you boys since it impacts the entire family."

Audrey takes over, "It has opened our eyes to the fact that neither of you are kids anymore."

"Well, you are still our kids," Walter interjects.

"Yes, you are, but you are not... you're both growing up. You're both almost grown up but the fact remains that you are not adults yet. You are our children and we care very much about what happens to you. We want you to have fun but to also make good life choices and to act responsibly while doing so."

Drake half-listens. He doesn't need to be here for this. He might not act that responsible most of the time but he's done a better job than Josh has where sex is concerned. He hasn't gotten anyone knocked up. Drake knows better than to let any mistakes happen that could tie him down and ruin what years remain for him to be young and carefree. He doesn't want to grow up yet. He doesn't want to have responsibilities.

"And maybe we are at fault for what happened because we haven't been as attentive and strict as we should have been..."

"It's no one's fault," Josh says simply. "Look, Mindy and I, we love each other and we expressed that love and we thought that we were being careful; we were wrong. It's not... there's nothing either of you could have done to change or prevent what happened. Mindy's parents are way stricter than you guys are and they don't even like me – they barely tolerate me – and we still... Nothing could have changed that or stopped it as long as Mindy and I were together."

"Maybe not, Josh, but you could have been better prepared for everything that has happened—"

"We were going to be parents and then Mindy lost the baby," Josh says, frustrated. "Just say it. We all know 'what happened.' Mindy and I screwed up; I get it."

"Josh, you didn't... that's not what this is about," Audrey says calmly. "There are consequences to every action, whether you think about them or not. There's the good and the bad. I don't know how you feel about Mindy having been pregnant or her losing the baby—"

"I feel terrible. I didn't even know that there had been a baby until there no longer was one. And I keep wondering, 'what if.' What if I had been here when Mindy came over? What if Mindy had told me as soon as she thought that she might be pregnant? What if she hadn't come over? What if she had not lost the baby? What if she had decided to not tell me and to handle it on her own?"

Drake frowns. A world in which Mindy Crenshaw had not come over last Saturday evening would be awesome. Then maybe none of them would have to know and she could be dealing with this with her parents and her therapist. Sure, she probably still would have broken up with Josh after losing the baby, but at least he'd be better off than he is now and today would not have happened and he wouldn't know that the Creature had a heart. And he wouldn't remember the blood trickling before steadily flowing down her legs.

"We would have been here for you," Walter says. "For you and Mindy and the baby, if things had gone differently. You do know that, don't you, son?"

Josh shrugs. "Yeah, I guess."

"And you can always come to us and talk to us."

"I know."

Walter looks at his stepson. "The same goes for you Drake. If you ever find yourself in a situation similar to Josh's or anything really, you do know that we will support you, right? Your mother and I are here for you. We will always be here for both of you."

Drake half-nods, half-shakes his head. "Yeah."

"Good. We want you to be able to talk to us, about anything. Homework, girls, music, cars, everything."

"Can we talk about curfews?"

Audrey sighs. "We could but don't think that you can talk us into extending them or getting rid of them. Now that they are in place, they will stay in place until you turn eighteen or until you no longer live under our roof, whichever comes first."

Drake pouts. "I don't think that it's fair that we both have the same curfew. And it's not like having to be home at a certain time is going to stop us from doing anything that you're afraid we're going to do."

Audrey and Walter exchange concerned looks. "That's not the whole point of giving you boys a curfew. It's about knowing that you are home and safe and sound before we go to bed. I don't ever want to get a phone call or a knock on the door in the middle of the night informing us that something has happened to one, or God forbid, both of you. We feel better knowing where you are, when you're leaving, and when you get home. One day you'll understand how terrifying it can be to be a parent."

Josh feels a tightness inside of his chest as the hollowness builds and spreads. One day. Be a parent. He clears his throat. "Dad, can I, uh, talk to you alone for a minute?"

"Yeah, sure." Walter follows him down the hall into the laundry room. "What is it, Josh?"

He doesn't want to feel it. God, if he could just focus on Mindy and how she feels, this would be so much easier. Mindy is aching and teetering back and forth, so close to the edge. She could fall over the edge of grief and he would go with her and never look back.

For the first time, Josh can feel it all eating away at him. This didn't just happen to Mindy, it happened to him – it happened to _them_. He knows that she knows, and that she feels but…. It has now been a week and Josh is just starting to feel how fucking goddamn bad he feels and it shouldn't just be about him and Mindy but as bad as he feels, dammit, he needs and wants her. He needs and wants her so that they can get through and over this together. She's starting to show signs that they are aligned.

"I was going to be a parent."

Walter's face falls. "I know. And I wish that did not have to experience everything that you're going through right now."

Josh's eyes glisten with unshed tears. "I want everything to go back to the way it was. I want everything to be fine between me and Mindy. I don't want to feel this bad. I don't want her to feel this bad."

"I know, son."

Josh starts to open his mouth but he stops and his face crumbles as he starts to cry. Walter looks at his son, pained, and he pulls him into a hug as he finally lets a week's worth of devastating soul-shaking, shattering, emotions wash over him.

It takes Walter a couple of minutes, putting his own fear and pain aside, of just comforting his first and only born son before he can address him, holding him fiercely. "It'll be okay, Josh. Someday."


	22. Part 21

**A/N:** _see prologue for all pertinent info & warnings. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 21<strong>

Mindy stares at the window, listening intently, waiting for Josh to arrive. She waits and she can feel the disappointment building because it's almost one in the morning and he's not there and he hasn't called or text her to tell her that her that he wasn't coming.

Unless he couldn't. Unless something happened to him when he was on his way over.

No.

The world can't possibly be that cruel.

The minutes continue to pass and Mindy realizes that for whatever reason, Josh has changed his mind, had a change of heart, and won't be coming over. The hope that had barely been coming alive within her begins draining out of her. Feelings of anger and resentment start clawing at her, towards herself and towards Josh. She had known better than to start letting him in. If she had just waited to go to him until after she'd felt better, then maybe he could have handled it. Her tears and her silence were too much for him to deal with.

Mindy rolls over, facing the wall, and lets her eyes close. She's done crying. She's done holding on to Josh. She doesn't want him (even though she needs him). She will get over losing the baby with the assistance of her therapist and her parents. Josh can deal with it however he pleases, as long as he doesn't try to make her a part of the solution.

She's almost asleep when she hears movement outside. Her chest tightens and she shoves the hope that flies to her away. She refuses to roll over. She can feel Josh standing by her window, watching her, as he kicks off his shoes. She can picture him in her head, pulling his jeans off and laying them neatly over the back of her desk chair before removing his shirt as well and placing it on top of his pants.

She controls her breathing, slow, deep breaths, so that he'll think that she's asleep.

Josh slips beneath the sheets and slides an arm over her. For a few seconds, his hand moves to her stomach and she can hear him let out a shuddering breathe before moving his hand back to her waist.

Mindy opens her eyes and turns over. Even in the dimness of her moonlit room, she can see that Josh has been crying and the bubble of harshness and negative feelings that was growing in and around her bursts and falls away.

She wants to ask him, she really wants to, but she can't make the words come out and he doesn't say anything. He just looks at her with his blue eyes so full of pain and more tears, pleading with her to let him in. She reaches up and runs her fingers through his hair and he curls around her, pressing his head to her chest. She wraps her arms around his back and she can feel his tears slowly soaking through her nightgown.

She cries just as silently as he does; it is a skill that they have both perfected over the past week.

As he drifts off to sleep, Josh wonders why they're both pretending to be so strong.


	23. Part 22

**A/N:** _see prologue for all pertinent info and warnings. If you're still reading this ball of angst, thanks for sticking with it. :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 22<strong>

Josh wakes in the morning, his head on Mindy's chest, his arm over her midsection, one of her hands hold his arm around her. He lays there, listening to her breathing and her heartbeat. He's not sure how long he's stays like that until he becomes aware that she's awake, or waking. She inhales deeply then exhales slowly.

"Josh?" It's barely a whisper; she doesn't want to disturb him.

"Hmm?"

"You're on my arm."

Josh lifts his upper body off of her arm and scoots over a bit, sitting up. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she says rubbing her arm and sitting up as well.

There's so much that Mindy wants to say to him. She feels like, if she could just ask him to talk to her, then things would be better. They could start to get better. She wants to, she really does want to.

Josh swings his legs over the side of the bed. "I guess I should head home."

"You could stay with me."

His back stiffens and he turns his head to look at her. "What?"

"If you want, just for a little while longer." She looks down at her hands. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

He reaches over, taking one of her hands in his. "No, Mindy, I want to."

She looks up at him and nods, tightening her fingers around his hand. She still can't quite smile but her eyes aren't quite as dim as they have been.

"I..." she swallows and she can feel the tears welling in her eyes. "I don't want to lose you. I'm trying really hard, Josh."

"I know." He kisses her on the temple. "I know."

"It's not fair to you."

"Don't worry about me," he says shaking his head.

She's not sure why, but that pisses her off. She's not _that_ fragile. She's not going to break. She's not. Well…she might, but she's trying not to. "Why not?"

"You need to take care of yourself, Mindy. I'm okay."

"Josh... you... we... How can you be _okay_? There was a baby. It was you and it was me and then it wasn't. I am not okay. You can't be okay, Josh. "

"No, I am not okay but I'm not the one who's got a history of—" Josh stops at the flash of anger in Mindy's eyes.

"A history of what, Josh?" she asks with narrowed eyes.

"I... Mindy, I just mean that, I don't want you to..." He's fumbling.

"What? Go off the deep end? Crack? Say it, Josh."

How has this turned into him being insensitive when all he's been trying to do is be there for her and sensitive to _her_ needs? He frowns. "I don't want you to lose yourself any more than you already have."

Mindy backs down and releases the tension in her shoulders. She wasn't trying to pick a fight with him. Really, she wasn't, but, God, it felt good to feel something, anything other than pain, even if it was an irrational anger.

"Well, you shouldn't have to lose yourself while trying to save me."

Maybe they can save each other. Maybe.

Josh chuckles wryly. "You're probably ready for me to go now."

"No, Josh. I understand if you want to go."

He pulls his legs back up on the bed and turns around to face her better. "I want to be with you. I want us to get better. I want to help you deal with losing the baby. I want you to be able to help me deal with it too. I get that you're not ready to do that. And yeah, it's hard for me to just stand by and watch you fall apart and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I can't help you and I can't make you feel better if you won't let me."

"That's just it, Josh. You can't help me if you're not doing any better than I am."

"What does that mean for us?"

Mindy shakes her head. "I don't know. I need you, as selfish as it is, I need you and I don't know how to be or give you what you need."

Josh moves closer to her. "I just need you, Mindy. I still love you; that hasn't changed."

It's the weight of everything and nothing at the same time that draws them closer together and Mindy curls up in his lap.

Josh strokes her hair. He closes his eyes and swallows. He knows and yet he doesn't. He needs the reassurance. "Do you still love me?"

He sounds so full of hope and despair.

Her voice breaks. "Yes."


	24. Part 23

**A/N:** _See prologue for all info/warnings. __Slowly but surely I am still working on this fic. I've been trying to take a break from writing so much angst and it hasn't been working. Also, I hit a bit of a roadblock with this fic and I'm just starting to maneuver around it._

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><p><strong>Part 23<strong>

'I know.' The confession floats around in Megan's head as she stirs her cereal around in the bowl as her mom and Walter sip on their coffees. She figures that Drake is probably still asleep and Josh has done exactly what he shouldn't have and is over at Mindy's.

Megan releases the spoon and takes drink of her orange juice. "I know about the baby."

Walter spits his coffee out and Audrey's head snaps up, eyes wide, mouth tight. "What baby?"

Megan sighs."The one that Josh and Mindy were having."

Walter frowns and starts mopping up his coffee. "How did you—"

"I bugged Drake until he told me. I've known for a week." Megan pushes her chair back.

"He shouldn't have told you," Audrey says. "It wasn't his place."

"You guys weren't going to tell me," Megan pouts.

"No, we weren't. You didn't need to know unless Josh wanted you to. You're too young to have to know or think about any of this. You all are," Audrey insists.

"I'm not a baby or a little kid. I'm a teenager now, I'm going to be in high school soon, and there's a girl in my grade who's pregnant."

"What?" Audrey and Walter asks at the same time.

"Yeah. She's, like, six months."

Audrey shakes her head. This…. How is it that they know so little about what their children are doing? What other kids the same age as their children are doing? How did they get so out of touch? When did they become deaf and blind to what's going on around them and all the things that are affecting their children?

Walter watches the emotions passing through his wife's eyes. He knows that she's beginning to doubt her abilities as a parent; she's doubting that she's a good mother. He looks at Megan. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No. I just want everyone to stop pretending that nothing's going on when I walk into the room. You don't have to act like everything's normal and fine because I know that it's not."

"All right," Audrey says; Walter nods.

Megan stands, picks up her bowl, and goes into the kitchen.

Audrey looks at her husband. "What are we doing right, Walter?"

"We're not doing anything _wrong_."

"Really? Because it feels like we are. We didn't know that Josh and Mindy were having sex, we assumed that Drake was and we still never sat down and talked to him, Megan _knows_ about sex and kids her age are apparently having it. Mindy losing the baby is a family matter and we left Megan out of it. And we've always given our kids a great deal of freedom and now we're placing these restrictions on them for their own good when we should have always had them in place."

"Okay, yes, we've made some mistakes, but that does not make us bad parents. We trusted our kids, we didn't have much reason not to. We've disciplined them when it was necessary and we love them. They're good kids, they're great. We have raised three wonderful kids. Everything that's happened could have happened to anyone. It doesn't mean that we have done anything wrong in bringing up our kids."

It makes Audrey feel slightly better. That is until Josh wanders into the living room, wearing the same clothes from the night before, which she might not have noticed if it weren't for him stopping and looking like a child who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Josh isn't careless but he'd been too wrapped up in thinking about the little bit of progress that he and Mindy made that morning.

She closes her eyes briefly and shakes her head. She glances at Walter who looks slightly confused.

"Good morning," is all that Josh says but both of his parents can hear the nervousness in his voice.

"Did you go out this morning?" Walter asks.

Josh considers lying to them. "No. I…" he swallows. "I went out last night."

"And you're just getting back in?" Audrey asks.

Josh nods. "Yes."

Walter doles out the punishment, sounding anything but stern. "You're grounded for the next two weeks."

"Okay." He's not going to argue with them. He's not going to provide his own defense. He doesn't know if telling them that he was with Mindy will appeal to their sense of leniency or cause them to choose a more severe punishment.


	25. Part 24

**A/N: **_info & warnings in prologue. This part is kind of blah and I don't particularly care for it but my muse felt like it had to be written. Thanks for reading; reviews are love! :-)_

* * *

><p><strong>Part 24<strong>

Josh flops down backwards on his bed, groaning.

"Morning to you too," Drake says, sitting up in his own bed and throwing the sheets back.

"I'm grounded."

Drake rolls his eyes. "Mom and Walter catch you sneaking in?"

"I wasn't sneaking. _That_ was the problem."

"Dude, Josh, you sound like me right now. That's never a good thing."

Josh sighs and sits up. "I know! It's just… Mindy and I were actually getting somewhere this morning and I wasn't thinking about _not_ getting caught when I got home. We _talked_. Kinda."

"The Ice Queen's starting to melt?"

Josh cuts his eyes at Drake. "Really? After yesterday you're going to say som—"

"I'm kidding, Josh, geez! Being cold is her defense mechanism, I get it. Humor is mine," Drake says with a hurt look in his eyes as he hops down from the loft.

"Yeah, I know, Drake, but your jokes aren't always funny."

"Yeah, and neither are yours." Drake perches on the back of the couch. "Look, I get that you want whatever's going on between you and Mindy right now to just be about the two of you but I'm not going to stop caring or worrying about how you're doing. You're my brother and I love you."

"I know."

"Okay. So, we're cool, right?"

"Yeah, we're cool."

"Good. I still don't like her, you know. Ah" Drake holds his hands up. "But I will try to be nice to her until she goes back to normal or whatever her normal state is because that girl is _not_ normal."

Josh shakes his head and sighs. "Thanks, Drake. I appreciate that you're going to make the effort. Took you long enough."

Drake makes a face. "So, you two are making progress, huh?" Josh nods, a small smile appearing on his face. "Okay, are you two still not together? Because it's just weird that you're always spending the night with her. Like, seriously, haven't you slept with her more now that you're broken up than when you were dating?"

Josh starts to open his mouth then stops as he thinks about it. "Actually…yeah. I mean, we are _just_ sleeping, there hasn't been any funny business," he ignores Drake's snickering, "but, yeah. And, no, we're not really back together. Not yet, at least. She's still not ready and I'm not going to push her. I think that she and I are gonna be okay though. She still loves me and wants to be with me."

"Did she say that?"

"Yeah."

"I guess that's better than nothing," Drake says, trying to be supportive and optimistic for Josh's sake.

"No, it is."

After a moment, Drake starts snickering again. "Funny business. You can say 'sex,' Josh, it's not a bad word."

"I know it's not and I wasn't referring to sex when I said 'funny business,' I meant that Mindy and I are _just_ sleeping and cuddling, and nothing else. _Nothing_."

Drake squints as he reads into Josh's tone and he cocks an eyebrow. He smirks and chuckles. "Yeah, but you want to."

"No, I don't."

"Yeah, you do. I'm not saying that you want to get it on but you definitely want to do more than cuddle with her."

"Fine, yes, if life were like a fairytale and I could kiss her and make it all better, I would."

"Screw fairytales, kissing makes _everything_ better in the real word." Drake shrugs. "Although, I guess not in your situation. Hey, like you said, she's coming around!"

Drake gets up and grabs his robe. He walks over to the door and pauses. He jogs back over to his dresser and fiddles around in the top drawer for several seconds. He walks over to Josh's bed and tosses something at him.

Josh catches and opens his hand. He furrows his brow and gapes at Drake. Holding up the condom, he points at it and asks, "What is this?"

"Just in case. Even if you and Mindy don't get back together or if you do and the two of you don't ever…just, whatever. You should always be prepared."

Josh frowns. "Yeah, I don't think—"

"Just carry it in your wallet! I doesn't matter what you _think_ or _plan_; you should know that. You and Mindy weren't planning on doing it exactly when you did." Drake sighs. "Check the wrapper every so often to make sure it doesn't have any tears or holes in it and if it expires before you get a chance to use it, toss it but be sure to replace it."

Josh grimaces as he pulls his wallet out of his back pocket and slides the condom behind his driver's license. "There's something very wrong with my life when _you_ are the one giving _me_ sound advice."

"Tell me about it," Drake snorts. "I have to go wash the responsibility off now."

After Drake goes down the hall to shower, Josh leans over and pulls open the top drawer of his nightstand. He pulls out as strip of pictures of him and Mindy taken at a photo booth and he pushes the unopened box of condoms further back before closing the drawer. He lies back, staring at the images of him and Mindy during a happier, much more innocent, time.

He knows that they can get that happiness back.


	26. Part 25

**A/N: **_info & warnings in prologue. I could have sworn that I had posted this part already but I guess I hadn't. Sorry for the lack of updates, but my inspiration with this fic has begun to fizzle. I am going to try to finish it. Eventually. As always, thanks for reading (if you still are); reviews are love! :-)_

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><p><strong>Part 25<strong>

It's unexpected but not at all unwelcomed when Mindy wakes on Monday morning and she doesn't feel utterly overwhelmed and uneasy. The cracks are still there but she doesn't feel like she's about to fall away at any second. She's still not ready to talk about having been pregnant and losing the baby but she does feel – she feels. She can feel the heaviness in her heart and she wants to cry.

Mindy stands beneath the stream of hot water in the shower and cry she does. She cries for herself and she cries for Josh and she cries for the baby that they lost. She cries for the life she knew and the life that she never will because this a different life that she is now living. She cannot change it but it's changing her. No, it's not going to break or destroy her but she has already been bent and she is continuing to bend.

She studies her reflection as she brushes her hair. She slowly reaches out and presses her fingertips to the surface, cocking her head to the side. She holds her head up and begins to trace the outline of her facial features along the mirror.

This is real. I am real. I was pregnant and I had a miscarriage. It was horrible and it was real. I am still here.

Josh is real. What we had was real. What we still have as real. Everything that we have shared is real.

The pain is real.

Mindy takes in a deep breath, not realizing that she had stopped breathing for a few moments.

Revive. Come alive. Live again.

Not yet. But almost. Soon.

Yes, she is alive and she is real. She will carry her pain and the burden of the memory but she will not let it weigh her down any more than necessary. She will place one foot in front of the other.

She pauses by Josh's locker before the first bell and rocks on the balls of her feet for a couple of seconds before she speaks, getting his attention from the other side of the metal door. "Hey."

He jumps a little and peeks around the door, looking a little surprised, pleasantly though. "Mindy, hey. How are you?"

She shrugs. "I'm here. I guess it's the best I can hope for considering what we've been through."

It's not just her word use but her emphasis, her straight open acknowledgement that this is something that they are both going through, that lightens Josh's mood even more. Because it's them, it's about them.

"Yeah." Josh clears his throat and glances around. "I'm grounded for the next two weeks."

"Because of me?"

"No, because of me. I got careless when I was going home."

"Josh..."

"It's okay. They didn't know I was sneaking out before, I'm okay with them still not knowing."

"No, Josh, don't. I don't want you to get into anymore trouble because of me."

"You're worth it."

"We're worth it."

Josh smiles at her and she's not sure when they started holding hands but they are. The corners of her lips start to turn upwards as if she wants to smile but she can't quite. She remembers that they are still broken up of her own doing and that they will not be officially back together until she can fully let Josh back into her heart. She looks around and the bell rings.

She tightens her grip on Josh's hand before pulling her hand from his. She starts to rise up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek but she catches herself and resumes standing with her feet flat on the ground. "I'll see you in class."

There's a hope and light in Josh's eyes as his lips twitch before his smile broadens.

"See you in class," he says, nodding, watching as Mindy steps backwards before turning and dodging her way through the crowd of students rushing to their lockers or the restroom before homeroom. Josh closes his locker. He won't admit it to anyone, not yet, not even to himself, but he's been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders for over a week now. Today, it doesn't feel quite as heavy. He can bear his weight and Mindy's.

Mindy is beginning to feel like she can bear her own. She's almost ready but she's not quite there yet. She can breathe again and that's a start.

She's on the right path.


End file.
